I love you

Marriage.

Yes. I want it and love you.

I wanted

I wanted you on this trip. The train is waiting. I had room for you and rowan.

5a.m. wide awake. I dreamt of riding bikes with you.

Hi baby!

Since we both are on some rocky seas at the moment, I have decided to give you a present! Yes!! A present just for you. :)

A first aid kit. For your heart. When you get down, or your mind starts running amok, read this. It is for you and you alone. From a place that I had no idea existed in me:

Dear Kathy,
     I don't like you all that much. You stink when you fart, you can be snarky and stubborn, and complain a LOT. And you put your underwear on backwards.  When you get older you will be wrinkly and bitchy and mean. 
    I have a sickness. I can't get enough of you. I want all the stinky, wrinkly, bitchy meanness you throw at me, and I want it all.  Because I am terribly in love with you. I was just kidding about the not liking you part. ;)

     Love is a word invented for us. As much as it frustrates the shit out of me you not doing something about your living situation, I know it is from a good heart that your lack of movement comes from. THIS MAKES ME LOVE YOU MORE! How the hell is this possible? You are living with a guy and I am patient when anyone in their right mind would run screaming!!  The reason? Because I know you. And even though things seem fucked up, I really get it. Yes my life would be exponentially easier, and in turn yours would be if just for this gesture, but you needed to see me be truly patient with our love.  I really get it. You are so beautiful on the inside I often forget your external beauty.
     We are each an army in a war, separated by circumstance. We are both fighting to get back to each other. How romantic is that? It is like we are living in a movie, except our happy ending is almost guaranteed.
Keep your head up baby. If I can be positive, surely you can be. And very soon, almost a blink, we will be together, I will shower you in help, and kisses, and love you have only got a taste of. A new family built from the ashes of life beating us down, an existence that not only will inspire jealousy, but also a deep knowledge that all that cross our path shall benefit from. 

Turn those underroos around woman, and get ready for a great life. I love you baby.

-Mark

Love.

I never wanted this. I wanted to have my own place, to date, etc. Yet again fate has different plans.

I don't wish to ask to live together because i am a freeloader. I don't want to live off you. Nor will I. I woke this morning with such gloom it kills me. Im so close. So fucking close. I just need shelter. Im calling places today to try and find it. Please baby make your move soon. Im hanging on here for my life.

I love you with all i have.

Baggage claim.

I find it interesting how you have came to feel your past is a bad thing. It really is not. You would not be you without it. I love,  LOVE your reaction when i don't care. You seem confused. Welcome to the rest of your life being judged only on how you act now, as i should be judged the same. It's kinda nice. And i enjoy giving you no pause in you sharing stories with me of your life. Baggage, we both got it. My heart is big enough to hold yours though for our trip forward.

I love you nugget. :)

When Graphic Designers get bored...

Big Booty Bitches aint got nothin on my baby.

:D


     That was way sooner than both of us thought. I am proud of you for making a stand.  I will now promise, in blood (muhahaha) if need be, the tennants of us going forward. A compact of sorts, except we are not pilgrims, though taking you in the hull of a ship in those funny shoes could be kinda hot..

     I digress.

     First, my love for you shall never waiver, even if you are angry, or get drunk and stupid, as we have both been privy to. Second, I shall forever be true and faithful, no matter how much hottie mcfuckrobots throw themselves at me. Third, I will honor out pact on communication. Always. Number three may be the most important of them all. Fourth, I will help out whenever you need it, and try and volunteer it whenever possible be it dishes or fucking you stupid. Fifth, I will try and take you on a date once a week. It is my feeling that we have to actually be in love to be in love if that makes a damn bit of sense.  Sixth, I will care for and love your daughter as my own, and promise to remember that she already has a dad. I will never step between that relationship nor wish to. Seventh, I promise to call you on your bullshit, but never in a way that is demeaning or spiteful.  Eighth, I promise to have adventures as many times as possible, however how small. Ninth, if I ever get supremely pissed at you, I will calm down before engaging you. I will try and adhere to never going to sleep mad nor hold grudges. Tenth, I promise myself as a partner, a peer. I will always treat you as the same.

     So there you have it, my ten promises. I feel like moses, except I'm not drunk and am not currently fucking anyone of my daughters, oh and I'm not 900 years old. I can't believe people believe that shit. Oh well. I hope that these promises you will offer me as well. We have a whole life and to live and love each other.  So there are my ten. Grab some matches, ill get the kerosene and lets go moses on some shrubbery.

     This is going to be a fun ride. I love you.

Looking at the moon tonight made me think of us. :)

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate
(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

I love you baby. :)

I have hardly anything. But this picture makes me know i am the richest man in the world. :) all because of you baby.

Today was so beautiful. My heart is yours. I love you so much. Although it may seem like things are dire, my heart keeps me warm and content. I love you baby.

Never.

Asked you to leave your kids. Just him.

Elephant in the Room

So here we are. The elephant in the room, the question on our minds. What will come of us? We clearly love each other madly. Everything we have to offer the other craves, you know I would take care of you and I know you would care for me. Perfect, right? Well, not so much. In short, the problem is that you are so kind and responsibile you feel as if you painted yourself into some fucked up purgatory that you cannot escape, a holiday on the island of guilt that happiness should only be seen from afar and justified when you get sad.  Baby this is not the way to live. Comfort is a hell of a drug, I know this for sure.

Where we are going I cannot say, but that elephant is getting pretty damn loud and we both know what it is screaming: "what the hell are you waiting for?" "It's right there! Take it!" Haha.

I am not trying to say it is easy, nor even think a choice is an easy thing. I just have to recognize that the powers that be are slamming us together harder than anyone I have ever loved. You feel it too. Baby this is love by attrition, and we are both losing out to love we have never had but want so bad.

I love you. :)

I want to smell your hair every night before i fall asleep.
And when you have bad dreams hold you and let you know you are safe- both from the imaginary monsters and the ones that are real. I have never wanted to take care of someone more so than I you.

I love you.

Every breath my love for you grows. I feel like i am going to explode, but i never want it to stop. I will never hurt nor leave you. You are my all. I love you baby. Get some rest my love.

For you, my love:

The Quiet World BY JEFFREY MCDANIEL

In an effort to get people to look into each other’s eyes more, and also to appease the mutes, the government has decided to allot each person exactly one hundred and sixty-seven words,per day.

When the phone rings,I put it to my ear without saying hello. In the restaurant I point at chicken noodle soup. I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night,I call my long distance lover, proudly say I only used fifty-nine today. I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond, I know she’s used up all her words, so I slowly whisper I love you thirty-two and a third times. After that,we just sit on the line and listen to each other breathe.

Love.

I love you so much the secret doesn't seem to matter. I await your txts daily and dream of you in my arms.

If I could say this to you so you saw,
And knew, and agreed that this is how it was
In a lost city across the sea of years,
I think we should be for one moment happy
In the great reckoning of those little rooms...
-Nemerov "vermeer"

    Part of me wants to hold you, the other half is scratching my head confused.  You went back to a grown man that acts like a child.  I still love you, I still want the world for you, but this confusion is something else. Is this what you crave? A man baby that acts like a drunken idiot and apologies are the salve that cleanses your own palette, while I try and properly right my wrongs and do what you need and deserve? My mind races at these thoughts. Why would you stay with an abusive person?  One that does not get his way and destroys things? Dude is almost 40. What in the ever loving fuck? Drunk was not an excuse with me, hold him to the same standard.
    Being a dick then apologizing is apparently this guys forte.  You have mentioned numerous times before his transgressions against you , and time after time you forgave. When is it going to be enough? I am mad for you, love you with everything. How can you not see this?  And yet I feel like the one disposable. The world has gone mad it seems.
    All I wish for is to give you a world free from such drama and bullshit, please let me.

    Please.

watching a doc on ww2. it scares me. i need you here so i can take care of you.

I left for real when you were not ready. I stay now though I want you. I am scared.


- baby let me make this better.

I love you.

    Knock at the door. I open it. You are there. You come in sheepishly. Goddamn that is so cute. Pleasantries are exchanged, until I pull you close.  Your body relaxes when I hold you, I feel it.  I nuzzle your neck, taking in your sweet smell. I move to your lips. Our kisses are soft and sweet. We both become teenagers and grin awkwardly. And then we hug. A hug only lovers know. A hug that shatters both our hearts and rebuilds them with each other there. The feeling of alone or wanting ceases, and we are just….us. Together. Nothing else exists, and if just for a fraction of a second that feeling vaults us to highs no drug could ever give us and purpose no speech could ever motivate us to become. Just…us.  We are both scared, terrified even, as love- real true love- is there. We both feel it and hold each other both shielding ourselves from it and embracing its presence. 
    It’s on its way though, and neither of us can stop it. We try to ignore the obvious, but both know that battle we will lose.

C’est la vie.

Love you, nugget. :)

Hi my sweet.  This afternoon was fantastic, really really fantastic. You told me you love me over text and my heart soared. It often times does when you tell me how much you think of me or how you want to escape with me somewhere. I cannot stress enough how much a hold you have on me, and judging by what you say and do, I must have the same affect on you.  I love you, get some rest baby. I love you.

Hi baby. I want to write you love letters. I fell asleep at 9 and can't sleep. I love you and here I shall write you everyday. I miss you so much. I hope you are sleeping well. First letter tomorrow, my love. :)